


Never Underestimate the Girl Scouts of America

by Queen_Valkyrie



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Fake AH Crew, GTA AU, Girl Scouts of America, Immortal Fake AH Crew
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-06
Updated: 2016-04-06
Packaged: 2018-05-31 16:23:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6477427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queen_Valkyrie/pseuds/Queen_Valkyrie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who would have guessed that the Fake AH Crew's biggest weakness is cookies?<br/>(Or a stupid little work detailing the Fakes' relationship with the Girl Scouts of America and their crack-- I mean cookies)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Underestimate the Girl Scouts of America

**Author's Note:**

  * For [anarchetypal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarchetypal/gifts).



> I know I really should get back to putting the Fakes' origins in this collection, but dammit, Anarchetypal has the best prompts and I love to write about them, they're so fucking fun  
> I'll attempt to get back to writing origin stories soon, I promise

It was at least an hour after the latest heist, and the Fake AH Crew was still taking care of their injuries from the car crash. 

The only uninjured ones were Jack and Geoff, who had been in the front seat and therefore the worst of the crash, who had died, and who had showed up at the assigned safehouse alive and completely unscathed not ten minutes after the rest had gotten back.

That was the thing about immortality. You'd come back no matter how brutally you died, and quickly too, but wounds still took time to heal. Granted, it was less time than was typical, but it was still a process.

Lindsay was on the phone in the kitchen with Jeremy, asking him to get the B-Team over as fast as possible to help treat injuries. Jack knew her way around a wound, and Ryan had been around long enough to have a fairly in-depth knowledge of the human body and how it works, but Caleb was a proper doctor.

That, and Geoff always wanted the B-Team there to celebrate after the Fakes pulled of a successful heist.

Michael, who had the worst of the injuries (including a broken leg, fractured wrist, and a still-bleeding head wound), groaned from his spot on the couch. “Why don't you just fuckin’ shoot me already and let me come back?”

“Waste of bullets,” Ryan muttered, finally pulling off the black skull mask.

“More of a waste than all the bandages and casts and shit that I’m not gonna need in a few days?”

“Look, Michael,” Jack interrupted, “We already called the B-Team. If Caleb shows up with all his supplies to treat you, and you’re fine, he’s gonna freak out.”

The demolitionist groaned again.

“I don't get why we can't just tell the rest of the B-Team,” Gavin announced. “Jeremy and Matt already know.”

“Lil J and Matt know ‘cause they're immortal too. Caleb, Kdin, Steffie, and Treyco aren't. We don't wanna scare the shit out of them, genius,” Michael replied.

Gavin muttered annoyances under his breath, but didn't attempt a comeback.

“Did you guys see anybody you knew on the way here?” Ray asked Jack and Geoff, out of nowhere.

Geoff furrowed his dark eyebrows and frowned. “Not that I’m aware of. Why do you ask?”

“Well,” Ray shifted uncomfortably, “I could have sworn I saw Kovic and Bruce in the car next to us on the way here.”

Ryan jolted up and cocked his pistol. “You think Funhaus found our base?”

“No, I took them out. Sniped ‘em from the back window. I’m just worried about how persistent they’ve been getting.”

“It’s not just them,” Lindsay peeked in, washing the blood out of her newly-dyed pink hair with a washcloth. “I’ve caught police-grade trackers on the Roosevelt a few times recently.”

“As long as we keep an eye out, we’ll be fine,” Jack reassured the crew. “After all, we did buy this place specifically so no one would be able to find us.”  
…………………

Not a week later, the Crew was just packing up and getting ready to head out of the safehouse when there was a sharp rapping on the door.

Geoff jumped up out of his seat and everyone else tensed. Ryan’s hands scrambled around the couch, looking for a loaded gun, and Gavin tiptoed up to the door.

He slowly twisted the handle to the right, and after a stupidly long pause, ripped the door open.

“Hello,” rang the voice of the person at the door, and Gavin had to look down to see where the voice came from.

It was a kid.

A little girl, all dressed in a green hat and vest and a sash decorated with patches.

She was holding a clipboard, a pen, and an envelope in her tiny arms, had a little wagon full of boxes behind her, and she smiled up at Gavin with a partially-toothless grin.

“I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm here to ask if you would be interested in buying--"

“Who is it, Gav?” Geoff called from the living room. Everyone craned their necks out to get a glimpse of whoever was behind the door.

“I think it's the Girl Scouts,” Gavin replied, his big nose wrinkled in confusion

Michael erupted off the couch with a leap and a mighty shout. “ _What?!?_ ” He came crashing through the house, knocking over a nearby chair and slamming into Gavin, with Lindsay close behind. “Sweet Jesus,” he turned to the Girl Scout, _“I want three boxes of everything.”_

“No, he doesn't,” Lindsay urged, pushing her husband out of the way. “I’m so sorry.” Squatting down, she looked the little girl with a small smile gracing her face. “He’ll take a box of Lemonades and two boxes of Savannah Smiles. How much do I owe you?”

“It's five dollars a box, so that's...” the girl held up her little hands, counting on her fingers. “Fifteen dollars.”

“Great,” Lindsay smiled, pulling her wallet out of her back pocket and taking out a couple bills. She turned behind her before handing the little girl the money. “Anybody else want anything? Ray?"

Ray scoffed from his place on the couch. “Real original, Linds, asking the stoner if he wants Girl Scout Cookies. Ha, ha.”

“Alright,” Lindsay shrugged, and she handed the money to the Girl Scout, who handed her three boxes in return.

“Thanks so much!” The little girl smiled, grabbing her wagon and moving on her merry way.

“Thank _you_ , sweetheart," Lindsay called after her, before shutting the door and handing Michael a box of Lemonades and a box of Savannah Smiles (the second box she kept for herself, because those things were like crack).

There was silence for a little while until Gavin, who was still gaping at the door, spoke up. “I don't get it. How the hell’d she find us? It's not like we're at the penthouse. There's no other houses around here for miles.”

“You kidding?” Ryan asked, smirking. “These are the Girl Scouts of America we’re talking about here. They could find _Bigfoot_ if he had a hankering for some Samoas.”

“Hey, where'd Ray go?” Michael interrupted, munching contentedly on a Lemonade.

The sniper in question reentered the house not two minutes later with his arms full of Thin Mints boxes.

“What?” He asked sheepishly, through a mouthful of cookie. “They're _good_.”  
……………

It wasn't long after the Crew returned to the penthouse that the Girl Scouts of America decided to set up a post right outside the nearest supermarket, much to the Fakes’ dismay.

“My wallet can't take this abuse,” Michael groaned when he saw the little plastic table and the green tablecloth.

“What do you mean?” Lindsay scoffed, rolling her eyes. “I'm the one that bought the cookies.”

Michael let out a sigh. “Same difference.”  
……………

After one particularly wild night (Mario Kart and drinking games), Jeremy and Drunk Geoff were headed to the supermarket to get some groceries when they passed the Girl Scouts’ table, which was somehow still operating at this hour.

“Ooh, ooh, ooh,” Drunk Geoff exclaimed, stumbling over to the table and slamming his hands down on it. “Excuse me, ladies, but I would like to purchase one hundred boxes of Do-Si-Dos.”

“No, he wouldn't,” Jeremy smiled apologetically, attempting to pull Drunk Geoff away from the Girl Scouts. “I'm sorry.”

“Lil J,” Drunk Geoff squirmed, “I am completely serious. One hundred boxes of Do-Si-Dos! How much will that be?”

“Five hundred dollars, sir,” one girl grinned. “But we'll have to ship them. We don't have one hundred boxes with us right now.”

“That's _fine_ ,” Drunk Geoff replied. “Do you need my address?”

“We are _not_ buying one hundred boxes of Do-Si-Dos!” Jeremy insisted.

“But--”

“This is not negotiable!” And with that, Jeremy grabbed Drunk Geoff by the wrist and tugged him away into the store. 

“You're so rude, Lil J,” Drunk Geoff groaned. “I'm kicking you out of the crew.”

“How was that rude?”

“I really want those Do-Si-Dos!”

“Geoff, you don't even _like_ peanut butter!”  
………………

The next encounter with the Girl Scouts of America occurred just before another of the Fakes’ heists. 

Jack and Ryan were walking past the supermarket, looking for a good car to hijack, clad in their heist gear.

Jack had on her tackiest Hawaiian-print shirt, Bermuda shorts, and that stupid elf hat, and Ryan was perfectly terrifying in the now-infamous skull mask and blue-and-black leather jacket. 

They passed the table without so much as a glance at the girls, fully intending to ignore the big pleading eyes and the colorful cookie boxes. 

That was, of course, until one brave soul stepped out in front of them and looked right up at Ryan’s skull mask.

“Excuse me, sir,” she announced, “Would you care to purchase a box of Girl Scout Cookies? It's for a good cause.”

Jack furrowed her ginger eyebrows, partially impressed at the sheer Ruthlessness of the Girl Scouts of America, partially terrified for this little girl, because Ryan was in full Vagabond mode the second he put the mask on, and Lord knows how terribly he could make this little girl cry.

Ryan glared down at the girl with those bright blue eyes, and he knelt down so he was at her height. 

_Don't you dare make her cry, she's just a little kid,_ Jack tried to will him with her mind.

But, to her surprise, he tugged off the skull mask and gave the Girl Scout his best Midwestern-dad smile.

“Would you happen to have a box of Tagalongs?” He asked her, as clearly and politely as he was capable. 

Jack chuckled as the Vagabond exchanged a five-dollar bill for a bright red box of peanut-butter-and-chocolate cookies.

And when she and Ryan were stationed outside the bank to ward off the cops, she did nothing but smile as the Mad Mercenary shoved cookies up under his mask while they gunned down LSPD’s finest. 

Geoff did complain, however, about the annoying sound of Ryan eating that came in through all of their coms while they were trying to rob the damn bank.


End file.
